Halloween Special: Zombies are my neighbours
by Otaconcon
Summary: A short Evil Dead parody featuring the exploits of myself, my friends and a hoarde of undead horrors
1. Chapter 1

Tech pushed the door open and read the note stuck to it:

'_Dear friends_

_Sorry I can't be with you on this holiday but I've urgent matters to attend to. The cabin is all yours for the week so feel free to have whatever's in the fridge and read any of the books lying around…except for the Necronomicon! Do NOT for any reason whatsoever read from it or you put the world in dire peril!_

_Apart from that have fun and I'll see you in a week_

_Prof. Knowby'_

Niko put the bags down in the middle of the living room, "what? No TV?" He sighed and went into the kitchen.

Tank and Tankini were the last ones in, "something smells a little…"

"Funky?" Tech offered. "Unfortunately the Professor didn't have a cleaner." He sniffed the air, "very unfortunate."

Tankini picked a book at random from the shelf, "how do we know which is the bad one?"

Tech pointed to the writing desk, "maybe it's that one bound in human skin. Just a thought."

Tank shivered, "well that's handy. I wouldn't open that if I had any brains." He saw Tech reaching for it, "hey!"

Later when everyone was settled in they all sat in the living room. Tankini nudged her boyfriend, "I'm bored."

Niko sighed, "we all are. Doesn't this Professor have anything…fun?"

Tech shook his head, "nah. He took the radio with him and the tape player's broke. Must be for recording his notes."

Tank put a book back on the shelf. It collapsed. "Feck."

Niko yawned, "ah, they're all crap anyway. Leave em be." He looked at his watch, "this blows – I'm off to bed." He strolled out of the room with the others in tow… except Tech however who was dancing in the middle of the room.

Tank stared at him, "what ARE you doing?"

Tech continued to dance frantically, "I need a shit."

Tankini laughed, "so go!"

"I can't! I need something to read or else I can't go!"

Niko pointed to the shelf, "take a book, there's loads of em."

They left the room as Tech approached the pile of books. He frowned and kicked a few aside. He glanced towards the table, "aha."

A few minutes later the toilet flushed and Tech walked to his room looking proud with himself. Tank stuck his head round his door, "so you went all right?"

"Yep."

Tankini appeared further down the door, "you found somethin to read?"

"Yep."

Niko stuck his head through the door, "it wasn't the Necronomicon was it? Cuz I've just had a look and its not on the desk as it should be."

Tech tilted his head and thought, "no, I definitely didn't read that particular book it."

Tankini pointed to his hand, "so what's that?"

"This? Just another book…happens to be bound in skin and inked in blood." They all glared at him. "Crap."

Tank flung the door open, "why I oughtta…"

Tankini took the book from Tech and smacked him round the head, "why did you think it would be a good idea to read from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis – Latin for 'Book of the Dead'?"

Niko was startled, "how did you know that?"

"Tech told me."

Tech put his hands up in defence, "maybe it's a load of fuss over nothing. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe it's just a dumb old legend made up by peasants who couldn't count their fingers!"

At that moment the window exploded inwards with a ghostly roar. The gang looked out the window-turned-hole as many more moans and roars echoed through the woods. The trees shook and vile, discoloured arms burst forth from shallow graves. The 4 friends looked on in horror as the evil continued to raise an army of the dead throughout the entire forest, blocking off any chance of escape and ensuring horrible deaths for all of them. Tech adjusted his glasses. "That's a bugger."


	2. Chapter 2

Tank and Niko continued fortifying their makeshift barricades, locking doors and nailing boards to windows.

Tankini pressed Tech for information, "didn't the Professor say what to do if you did actually raise the dead?"

Tech flipped through the pages of The Book, "no, he probably didn't think we'd be stupid enough to…oh." He pulled out a slip of paper. "_Dear Friends – if you are reading this then I must assume one of you-against my explicit instructions-HAS read from the book (probably Tech.) If this is the case I fear for your lives…you dumbasses. I recommend you prepare for the ensuing undead assault – there are weapons in the basement and some tools out in the shed. The fate of the world may now rest upon your shoulders so don't mess up. Be careful."_

Niko stroked his chin, "mmm. Encouraging."

Tech sighed, "how'd he know it was me?"

"Forget that." Tank stood up, "to the basement!" Tech lifted the hatch and they walked down the stairs. There was a gun cabinet at the base of the stairs with a Remington 1100 shotgun, two AMT Hardballer pistols and a Colt Single Action Army.

Tech picked up the engraved revolver, "sweeet!" Niko took the Remington and Tank and Tankini took a Hardballer each.

At the sound of banging from upstairs they took positions in the living room, backs to each other, facing a window each. Almost on cue 4 Deadites burst through the windows one at a time, each one looking down the barrel of a vicious weapon.

Tank and Tankini levelled their hardballers, "wait for it…"

Niko snapped the barrel of his shotgun into position, "GTA!"

Tech pulled back on the hammer of his SAA, "come get some."

They fired together and scored 4 headshots on the approaching demons. But as quickly as they had fallen others rose to take their places. More shots rang out through the old cabin and more monsters fell to the floor.

Tank dropped his empty clip and reloaded his pistol, "there's too many of them!"

Niko fired another two shots into the crowd that was still increasing in size. "Keep it together, man! We can regroup before the next wave."

There was a crack of wood as boards covering the shattered bedroom window were smashed down. Tankini ran down the corridor, "I'm on it."

The remaining three continued to fight back as they were slowly surrounded. Tankini flew back into the room with an axe in her hands and cut down the undead beasts. Fighting together it wasn't long before all the Deadites were subdued.

Tank unlocked the front door, "if there are more weapons in the tool shed – we'll definitely need them."

They ran to the shed not far from the cabin but too far away from the car that had apparently been sabotaged by the evil creatures. The shed door swung to reveal a pair of gardening shears and a custom chainsaw designed to go over a person hand. Tech grabbed it; "I'll take that!"

On their way back to the cabin Niko watched as one of the spirits flew through the air and into a tree. This was shortly followed by a grabbing at his legs by tree roots. "Arrgh! I don't wanna get raped!"

Tech cut through the roots, helped Niko up and pushed him towards the cabin. With Niko inside, Tank held the door open and motioned for Tech to hurry. He almost reached the door but another of the evil spirits appeared in front of him and sent him flying back into a tree.


	3. Chapter 3

Tech squirmed and writhed at the base of the tree as his eyes went milky white and dark energy crackled around him. He roared and slumped down on the floor, silent.

He awoke on the floor cabin with the others in a circle around him, Niko blasting with the Remington, Tank now firing two Hardballers and Tankini continuing to kick ass with her axe. Tech got to his knees but the pounding in his head kept him down and stopped him fighting for the duration. As the final reanimated corpse toppled to the wooden floor with a squelch, Tech had managed to stand.

Niko held him steady as they discussed the situation, "there can't be that many more but chances are we'll have to take em all at once."

Tank checked his ammo, "I don't think we can last that long. Should we make a run for the car?"

Tankini shook her head, "we'd be overcome before we could make it. Or we could be swarmed by more of those ghost-things. Speaking of which…"

Tech rubbed his head and stood up straight, "I'm good to fight I just need to…to…" He arched backwards and roared and more evil energy was discharged. "Or not…don't know how much longer I can keep it in check."

Niko nudged him, "you'll be okay. We can help you…"

"No! No, you can't. Nobody can help me now. I can feel the evil inside of me…" He let loose a long low-pitched fart. "And that's just the beginning."

Without warning another Deadite spirit crashed through one of the windows flying straight for Niko. Seeing it just in time Tech shoved him to the wooden floor of the cabin. The spirit flew past them into the stuffed deer head mounted on the wall as Niko's Remington clattered across the floor. Tech reached the gun and destroyed the laughing object with one blast.

Niko got up cautiously, "thanks man." He reached for his gun but Tech held onto it. "I think you…"

"No," Tech interrupted. "I think you should get into the basement," he levelled the gun at them, "all of you."

Tank was shocked by what he was hearing, "no way! We're not gonna sit by while those things slaughter you!"

"Don't you understand! This is the only way I can protect you. Now please…" They lifted the hatch and went down the stairs slowly. Tankini turned to speak but Tech cut her off, "just go."

With all of his friends locked in the basement, Tech moved the desk onto the hatch. "Forgive me." He shuddered again feeling the evil inside. "First things first…" He compressed the evil inside himself as he started up the chainsaw trying to confine to a single part of his body.

Tech's eyes flicked open, "gotcha!" He swung down with the humming chainsaw, past his waist and severed his…thing. It dropped to the floor and with a shot from the Remington was turned into an ugly stain on the floor.

After some hasty first aid on himself Tech was ready. He attached the chainsaw to his right hand and reloaded the 12-gauge. The thumpings on the side of the cabin started again and he aimed his sawn-off at the closest, "it's show time!"


	4. Chapter 4

As Tech massacred his zombified attackers his friends were still trying to escape their makeshift prison. "It's no use," Niko sighed, "he must have put something on top of it."

Tankini walked glumly down the stairs, "can't even break the lock."

Tank sat on the bottom stair, "all our weapons are up top, right. What if there's something we didn't take before. Maybe there's something still down here."

Niko gave up on the hatch, "have a look around for anything useful. We may yet save him."

It appeared however, Tech did not need saving. He sliced through more Deadites with the chainsaw and decapitated others with headshots. "Yeah! How do you like them apples!"

More and more of the walking dead closed in and were cut to pieces. Soon Tech was laughing hysterically with each disembodiment.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw one Deadite grabbing the desk, "watch out for my fist!" He smacked the creature across the room and into the wall. "You ain't getting my friends. Not on my watch!"

The Necronomicon fell to the floor. Tech watched as the creatures' gazes shifted to see it land. "Hmm." He picked it up. "You want this you gotta catch me first!" He ran out the back door of the cabin with the zombies close behind.

Meanwhile Niko was trying everything in the tool kit to open the basement hatch. "Damn it." He through a broken screwdriver down the stairs into a pile of more broken tools: a hammer, a drill, pliers and more. "Stupid crappy tools!"

Tech ran around the cabin and back through it for the fifth time, "oh man, this is getting old." He sprinted to a broken window, leapt through it and piled through the front door into the forest for the last time.

One Deadite was too close so Tech shoved the chainsaw into it…and pulled out his bare hand. He looked back to see the chainsaw lodged in the monster's belly, "uh-oh." It threw him backwards and the shotgun dropped from his grasp landing too far away.

Tank stormed up the stairs and grabbed Niko. "But I'm not done yet!" Niko cried as Tank started smashing Niko's head into the hatch. "Oh this is gonna leave a mark.

"Damned hell damning frickin' damn!" The Deadites stood in waves, advancing every second. Tech tripped over and landed on the Book. The monsters increased their speed as Tech crawled away.

Suddenly struck with inspiration he flicked through the book as he retreated, "the words to raise them was in the front so…" He turned to last page, "BINGO!"

Tech stood arms wide and read the passages, "ento…magnifique…scrotum…daffodil…Xbox…flippendo!" A portal opened behind him and began to call back the possessed beings.

Tank, Tankini and Niko emerged from the basement just in time to see the last Deadites sucked in the portal and sent back to their own dimension. Tech threw the Necronomicon into the portal and it closed as if it had never been there.

Tech turned to his friends and smiled meekly. They started towards him but a great wind whipped up as the portal reopened. Niko, Tank and Tankini linked arms and held tightly to the doorframe as Tech struggled to find a grip. He fumbled around finding only loose weeds and was finally yanked off his feet and into the air.

The three other survivors turned to see their friend flying backwards through the air towards the portal. "Happy ghos…Halloween!" He stuttered as he was sucked into the winding space/time hole, which snapped shut behind him.

The sun rose over the forest to show a slightly battered cabin, a thankfully untouched car and three confused teenagers.


End file.
